As I sat down to write this talk, a talk centered on a message of peace, my kids were all occupied and I was ready to dedicate some uninterrupted time to hashing out my thoughts. It was at just that moment that I heard a crash, a splash and a wail from the other room. I ran to the kitchen to find that Stephan, age 3, had pushed Emily, age 1 ½ off her chair and then dumped an entire gallon of milk over her head. I really should be asked to share my thoughts on a topic I am expert in: chaos, rather than one I have so little experience in: peace.
John 20: 19-31
When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.” When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.”
But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, came not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.”
A week later his disciples were again in the house and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.”
The message of Jesus before ascending to his father was not one of guilt or shame, but:
Peace be with you.
The message of Jesus after experiencing betrayal and derision was not of anger or retribution against those who had wronged him, but:
Peace be with you.
The message of Jesus when facing both those who believed and those who doubted was not of judgment or ridicule, but:
Peace be with you
Three times in two visits Jesus offered peace. Personally, I find it more difficult than it should be to take him at his word. It is easy to be critical of ourselves and others, to fall into patterns of guilt or anger, of judgment.and censure.
I grew up seeing a painting of Christ in red robes knocking on a door with no doorknob. The lesson along with the painting goes something like this “ Jesus is always there ready to enter our lives, but we must be the one to open the door. We do this by having faith, by following the commandments, by repenting.” In contrast, both times Jesus came to the disciples the door was shut against him, even so he entered and spoke of peace.
He came willingly to those who believed and those who doubted. He didn’t withhold blessings from Thomas who said “Unless I feel the wounds in his body, I will not believe.” Instead, he came to Thomas and offered his body as a living testimony of God. He followed this by saying that those who come to believe without that physical evidence are also blessed. He doesn’t say they are more blessed, just that they are also blessed.
There are times in my life when I have been able to simply say “I believe!” and times when I say “I can’t believe unless I feel the nail prints in his hands and the wounds in his side.”
My third born child was born healthy and strong. It wasn’t until she was a several weeks old we suspected there was anything wrong. At three months old she was diagnosed with a condition called Spinal Muscular Atrophy, which we were told was terminal. There was no treatment, no medication, no cure and babies diagnosed with this condition usually died before their first birthday.
The news was devastating in a way I had never known before, and yet in the midst of that deep, deep grief, I felt God with me. I felt his presence so strong that it was almost as if I turned around fast enough, I might see him. The poem Footprints in the Sand resonated deeply with me. I knew there were angels thick in my daughter’s presence and since I was always with her, in my presence as well.
It was a difficult, yet beautiful four years.
Not long after she died, I realized that the feeling of being carried had receded and I was left in an ordinary space once again. It was that much more difficult to be back in that ordinary space, having experienced God so close.
Many years later, We conceived another daughter, Tabitha. Through prenatal testing we learned that she would have the same genetic defect that Taleah had and we would once again be faced with the youthful death of a daughter. As before, I was devastated, but the bright spot was the anticipation of that tangible closeness with God I just assumed would accompany her, as it had Taleah.
Tabitha was born and yet that exquisite feeling of God ever present did not return.
I wanted it, I needed it, but it wasn’t there. I had heard enough times that “If the communication between God and you is not working, you know exactly whose side the problem is on.” So I looked for the deficiency in myself. I prayed more, I read scriptures more, I obeyed more and nothing changed, in fact I became more and more frustrated that I couldn’t break through. It was like I had cotton in my ears and everything that might have possibly been God came through sounding more like the grown ups in Charlie Brown cartoons.
It was as if I was following a clearly marked path and people told me just follow the path, this path and you’ll get there. For a long while I followed the path, proud of my progress, satisfied with my journey, excited for what lay ahead. Until one day, I turned a corner and found that my way was blocked by a wall. The wall was thick, the wall was high, the wall was solid. I explored the wall and found no hidden opening, no secret door. I saw other people walk easily through the wall and so I also tried walking through it. Unlike those before me, I ran right into the solid, impenetrable surface. I backed up and tried again … and again. Each attempt left me bruised, injured and discouraged. I tried many times and in many ways.
Eventually I was exhausted, broken with the effort. I felt empty and alone. With deep despair, I stepped off the path, faced the void and asked the question I hadn’t been able to bring myself to consider: “What if there is no God.”
The void is a dark and lonely place. It is cold and disorienting. I felt lost and off balance. Even so, I began to walk. My thinking shifts from actions only being worthwhile as a means to an eternal reward to actions being worthwhile in enhancing THIS experience and the experiences of those I share life with. It is worthwhile to meditate because it brings peace. It is worthwhile to offer food because people are hungry, it is worthwhile to develop relationships because it creates support. I discovered, to my amazement, that God is also in the void.
A candle shines brightest in the darkness. We can stand together with others who hold candles just like ours and enjoy the brightness of a well lit room, but how much difference does one candle among many make. It isn’t until we step into the darkness and seek out those who are in need that we learn how beautiful that light really is. Finding those in the darkness is not about insisting they find light in the same way that we did, it is about sharing our light and allowing them to discover their own.
It is okay to say, as Thomas said: “Unless I see the marks of the nails in his hands and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.” I put my fingers in the marks of the nails by reaching out to others. I test the evidence of Jesus Christ by caring for others in times of need. I thrust my hand in his side by joining with a community of faith.
So let me end by repeating what Jesus said:
Peace be with you.
Peace be with you.
Peace be with you
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